Category Archives: Body Shaming

F*@k Everyone

_$I just finished listening to another Mel Robbins’ work–Audible Original¬†Kick Ass. It was amazing and I need to listen to it again (and again and again), but there were multiple things she said that made me think “wow, that’s totally me.” One of the most interesting things I got from it was that sometimes overeating (and smoking – but I don’t do that) is your way of saying “F*@k you” to the world. In my case, I actually have told a coach something similar. When I’m at work, other people are basically controlling my entire day, every day. When I’m at home, my husband is making some priorities for me–like making dinner, doing laundry, etc. (since left to me I would hire a nanny for us). The only time I feel like I have complete control over everything is by what I put into my mouth. So since I have exclusive control, my brain is screaming “F*@k you all! See what I’m eating? See how much I’m eating? I don’t care. I’m doing what I want because I have control over it!”

I’m not dumb enough to think that that is the most ridiculous thing you may have heard. It is the most ridiculous thing I have heard! I am doing horrible things to my health because I’m eating the wrong things and overeating. Most of my medical issues can be directly traced to being overweight. This has definitely been my way of saying “F*@k you, world!”

I have heard a lot on podcasts and in books lately about our inner child. I think I’ve shared before that mine is named Lucy–the Charlie Brown Lucy who acts like she’s helping and then pulls the football away at the last minute. Lucy is really, really mean to me. She says things that I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy. So overeating is also my way of saying “Shut up, Lucy.” But you know what? It doesn’t work. That bitch starts right up again as soon as the last bite is in my mouth. “You really didn’t need that last piece.” “You shouldn’t have eaten that.” “You’re not even hungry.” “What the hell are you doing?” “How fat do you want to be?”

Please don’t message me about whatever supplement you’re selling. I don’t want any. I need to learn a new way of eating NATURALLY. A way of eating what I NEED and not necessarily what I WANT. I’ve done this enough times that I know I don’t need to eat an entire dessert when one bite will suffice. Usually I read the description which sounds like the most delicious thing I’ve ever heard of (very good writers) but the first bite is enough to tell me while it may be good, it isn’t as great as I was expecting and it’s certainly not worth eating the entire thing but satisfies the craving. But those starving children in China from my childhood are always in there playing with Lucy while she pushes them to the front and reminds me not to be wasteful. But I would much rather throw away a little bit of food than add it to my myriad health problems.

So my 2018 word of the year–HEALTH–starts now . . . again. And I will keep starting it until I get it right. This time, I’m working with my primary care medical professional to make this happen and I am excited at the prospects. Whole food, calorie counting, water, and later we will add exercise. Anyone want to join me?



Being Comfortable

Lately, I’ve become a LuLaRoe addict! If you don’t know what LuLaRoe is, you can be adventurous and get sucked into the amazingness that is LuLaRoe or you can trust me that it is the most comfortable thing you will ever wear. They are leggings, tops, skirts, dresses, and vests that are honestly ridiculously comfortable. I’ve been wearing them for a while–on weekends–but always solid color leggings or something with a small pattern when I’m going out in public. Today I decided to wear one of my Valentine’s leggings with a long top (to cover the back end of this oversize body). As I walked into Starbucks to pick up my mobile order (LOVE that option–but off topic), two women were sitting outside. I could hear them say that someone my size should not be wearing leggings. Well, actually, I didn’t HEAR them say it–I said it for them in my head.

Why do I worry so much about what other people think? My body was covered, I was comfortable, and I was fashionable. And damn it, I’m getting old, so I really don’t care what other people think. Or at least that’s what I tell myself–but obviously I do care. Is it guilt for saying those same kinds of things about other people? It could be. Is it my take on society’s body shaming people who are a different size than they are? Probably. Is it that I really didn’t look good and shouldn’t be wearing that out in public? I don’t think so.

I decided that if people are comfortable in whatever they’re wearing, more power to them. If you think I shouldn’t be wearing it, or you’re uncomfortable looking at me, don’t look. But please don’t stare and feel the need to make judgments in your mind because you think I should not wear whatever it is I decide to wear. You’re not me, I’m not you, I get to make my own decisions. As long as I’m happy with myself at the moment, it’s my decision. I realize I could stand to lose some weight, I realize I could get healthier, I realize I should exercise more, I realize the change would be good, but I also realize that I’m just not entirely ready for that right now. One thing I’ve learned in my 60 years is that until I’m really mentally ready to make a change, it doesn’t matter what I think I’m attempting to do, I won’t be successful.

So to the women today for whom I put words in their mouth, I’m sorry. To anyone I’ve ever mentally said anything negative about what you were wearing, I’m sorry. And to anyone I’ve actually verbally said anything negative about what you were wearing, I’m honestly and truly sorry. People are not what they are wearing–it is just decoration. While we each have a say in our decoration and it just may say a lot about who we really are, it is not another person’s task to judge that decoration. Let’s let people express themselves in any way they want to, so if I want to wear leggings in public, I will. It is so much better for my attitude to be comfortable than to be squeezed into something that might be more socially acceptable, but is uncomfortable for whatever reason. When I’m not comfortable, I’m worried more about the bulges over the top of the jeans and whether the t-shirt is covering it or accentuating it, so I’m not listening or paying as much attention to you as you deserve. That really isn’t fair to anyone. So let me be comfortable and spend some quality time with some quality people.

Here is the picture of my outfit today. Like it or not–I don’t care. And that’s new for me. But today I made the choice to live my life for me and not necessarily for anyone else–and that’s a really comfortable place to be.